living my life

you make beautiful things

2012-02-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

you make beautiful things out of the dust...

church exploration

2012-02-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Our family/our church is searching for a larger local body in Canby to be a part of. This has prompted a lot of study, prayer, conversation, reading, etc, etc, etc about the nature of this enigmatic thing called The Church. There's a lot of language and a whole variety of connotations to each different term that we use surrounding these concepts.

Even as I look back at that first paragraph I smile. I said a few things that can be taken in multiple ways: our church, larger local body, The Church. The other night as our home community talked about the Ephesians and the church, I realized that if I'm not careful, I can easily misinterpret another person's comments just because we have different mental constructs about the word "church."

I feel like we have a whole load of ideas about the church, probably the majority of which are shaped by personal experience and human conversation rather than by God's word. Gosh. Foo! I want my mind, heart and soul to be trained and shaped by his thoughts on what the church is.

So, we're studying through Ephesians. I was having a hard time understanding this passage from the end of the first chapter.

Here's the ESV of 1:21-23:
(Christ is)...far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.
And he put all things under his feet

and gave him as head over all things to the church,

which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.

And The Message:

He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything.

At the center of all this, Christ rules the church.

The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church.

The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence.

Ahhh! I love that!

All things under his feet meaning at the center of all this.

Gave him as head meaning Christ rules the church.

And then in The Message, the sentence, The church, you see is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church.

His body meaning in which he speaks and acts.

The fullness of him who fills all in all meaning by which he fills everything with his presence.

That sentence about the world being peripheral to the church blows my mind. Train my eyes to see!

deer teacher...

2012-02-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, we are having a baby. Sometime around June 25th. And kids at school are starting to catch on.

--A first grade girl was staring at me very intently, as I read a story aloud to the class. Finally I called on her. She was rubbing her tummy: "...um, teacher, it looks like you have something right here. I wonder if you have something right here..... Do you have something in your tummy?"

--Subbing for Mrs. Perrin's fourth grade class, kids were thrilled to brainstorm names for us--Tony Hawk, Jennifer, Abby (the teacher's first name) and Mrs. Perrin all were mentioned. Mrs. Perrin was by far the class top pick for a girl. (Our name ideas are secret, but please be certain that Mrs. Perrin has not made the list.)

--Sweet third grade boy that I taught last year (I was subbing for his teacher yesterday and told the kids I was having a baby): "I was watching you. I thought something was different! Last year you were skinny. This year you're fat." Thank you, buddy! He he!!

--Another dear, special ed girl, who I'd met earlier this school year drew this picture for me yesterday. Nice anatomical details :)

She dropped it off with a thoughtful/confused expression on her face: "Now, Mrs. Burnham, you weren't pregnant last time I saw you...........(very long pause, I shook my head)......... You are pregnant now.............(affirmative, count to 4...5...6...7...).... Weird!" She shook her head and walked out.

Ahhh...I love school :) I love these kids and will really miss them. Gotta soak up the moments.

And on the other hand, we're getting more and more excited to meet this new little Burnham!!!!

never alone

2012-01-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

My favorite person is working very late on the anniversary of one of the best days of my life. I came home from work to our quiet apartment and started working on taxes, tried not to think about it too much, tried to figure out what I could eat without much effort, tried not to play pity party.

And then the parade started. Gifts from God. Fun things and reminders that he sees me in every state.
--First came Karla, knocking with a surprise dinner--tortillas and chicharrón (?) Wow!!
--Then came a phone call with dear Sarah Stepanian.
--While we were still talking another knock, it was another Sara. She brought apples, oranges, avocados, strawberries, basil and a very long cucumber. Just a gift from their abundance.
--I ate dinner and then another knock. And it was Patty coming to show an absolutely beautiful five-day-old baby. An absolutely perfectly made little person with lots and lots of curly black hair.
--And then a very delightful phone call from Debby Burnham. They want to have a baby shower! And she said very encouraging things.

Karla, Patty and Sara are the three women from the three other apartments in our building. Sarah are Debby are our good family. Five women we pray for often. In the last few hours I've been blessed by five wonderful women. What a gift! Even on a day when really...um, uh...I should already be overly, amazingly overflowing with thankfulness for God's incredible gift and provision. Our God is gracious and abundant.

-----
Dear David, you are truly God's provision for me.

Yes. I am YOUR wife! Happy two years!
Come home soon! :)
We miss you!

lottsa lottsa

2012-01-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

Big stuff is happening in the Burnham home. For me, the more significant the life changes, the less likely I am to put anything about them on the world wide web. So, finally for a few updates:

--Our dear friends, Geoff, Celina and Jaron Green, recently moved to Portland. They lived about a block away and were the leaders of our home community (which has been our church for the past year). We really miss being everyday friends with them. And we also miss being church with them.

--Our church is totally changing. Our home community is moving towards joining another church, which is uncharted territory. David and I haven't ever been in the spot to search for and find a church. It can feel gross, like something between dating and shopping. I have to fight to discipline my heart, asking God to give me eyes to see and enjoy the beauty of his bride, trusting that he will lead us in his time. Currently, our home community has been studying thru Galatians, which has been a huge encouragement as I've taken the time to dwell on the gospel. Tonight we will read thru Ephesians together.

--David's been taking pre-requisites to become an RN. This term he's taking Human Growth & Development and the first section of Anatomy & Physiology. Both are classes that he's super interested in. Both a whole lotta work. He also continues to work full-time. It's a lot of work, a lot of money and a big direction shift, all of which are difficult.

--We're preparing our home and our family for a new baby! This is totally scary and totally wonderful and totally new.

In the midst of all of this, I daily feel the pull to trust in myself or to trust in the King of Kings. When I calculate everything out and try to make everything fit on the calendar, I totally freak out. When I "train my brain to focus" (something I often say to kids at school), remembering the Lord's constant presence, abundant provision and faithful love, I am able walk with grace and freedom. Right now I'm at about 50/50. Maybe someday it'll get easier :)

2011-12-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

It is highly unlikely that God can use a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.

A.W. Tozer

what I want

2011-11-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

I look at all advertising, all striving, all desire and basically it comes down to a few things, right? I mean what I really want is fulfillment. I watch people around me and I think that's what they're going after, too.

Granted, we all have weird ways of going after this. This morning, I've already grouched, tried to control David, been distracted, scrambled to hide my laziness...yuck. But I think I'm doing all of those things because what I really want is goodness. I'm just looking for it wrong. I cannot--obviously--fulfill myself. Believing that I can is believing deception.

When it comes right down to it we want goodness:

a revived soul,

steady wisdom for the simple,

a rejoicing heart,

enlightened eyes,

something eternally purposeful,

something entirely right,

something of high, high, highest value,

something sweet and delicious.

I held it in my own hands this morning! I held this book, the instruction, God's story and ways. And he promises that his word to us is all of these things:

reviving for the soul, steady wisdom,

joy for the heart, eyes that really see, purpose,

rightness, value, riches!

YES!!!! That is what I want!!

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

from Psalm 19

particularly excited about the waterfall...

2011-11-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

resurrection

2011-11-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

Now when he arose early

on the first day of the week,

he appeared first to

Mary Magdalene

from whom he had cast out seven demons. (Mark 16:9)

Jesus, who

are you? What

kind

of a man, a God

that you—pure,

holylovethatisfire—

go first to the woman—unclean,

shamed, despised—

the woman healed.

The woman come early worshipping,

bringing beauty and spices (from where?)

soft,following and ministering to

you

appeared.

gnocchi with butternut squash, kale and sage

2011-10-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe it, but this is my new favorite food in the cozy-but-not-soup category. And David really likes it, too! Dealing with the squash can be a bit tedious, but the actual making doesn’t take too long. In the future I'm planning to add bacon or sausage to the skillet. This time we had it with white beans on the side.

½ butternut squash—peeled, seeded, cubed

3 cloves garlic—sliced

a bunch of kale—stemmed, roughly chopped

1 t dried sage or 1 T fresh, chopped

¼ t red pepper flakes

olive oil/butter

kosher salt

1¼ c broth

17 oz package gnocchi

¾ c grated hard cheese

Preheat broiler. Concurrently, heat olive oil in skillet over medium heat and cover and cook squash until slightly soft, about 8 minutes. Add garlic, sage, red pepper and 1 t salt. Cook until garlic is softening.

Add broth to skillet. When it starts to simmer, add gnocchi, stirring to coat. Cover and cook until gnocchi are almost tender, about 3 minutes. Stir in kale and cook until it starts wilting, about 2 minutes. Uncover and stir in ¼ c cheese and 1 T butter. Sprinkle with ½ c cheese, transfer to broiler and cook until golden, about 3 minutes.

This is derived from a foodnetwork.com recipe.

rich

2011-10-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

We are-- We are RICH. Thanks for the reminder, Sarah!

I thinkabout this often when I laugh with David. When I have a friend to call. When Idrive somewhere in a clunked up car—that was a gift, that we own flat-out, thatworks well! When I know that I am loved by my husband, my Dad & Mom, therest of our family, our church, dear friends. When I drag myself out of thehouse to go to work. When I remember the adventurous adventures of my life.When I think of the gorgeous and rotating gallery of the artwork of the heavensthat we get to witness every single day. When I think on beauty and hope ofeternal salvation. When I remember the sacrifice of Christ and the fact thathe’s given me the ability to believe and know him. When I pull food out of thepantry and it’s different from what we ate yesterday and it’s pretty and itfills our bellies and makes us strong. When I got that scary infection and thedoctor had me come in right away, gave me medicine that worked. When I thankGod that we can know his word in our language. When I see how God listens toour prayers and has moved. When I turn on the faucet and drinkable water comesout (or even lots and lots of piping hot water)! When I get to give neighborstomatoes that grew in our garden.

That wecan laugh and enjoy and cry and pray and run hard and sleep at night and hugeach other tightly and know God and experience forgiveness and peace. Everysingle day. This is how I know I’m rich.

And evenif I lost the car, the warmth, our savings account, the full belly, the cleanwater, my husband and family, this good health, O Lord, may I remember you. Andin that remembrance, may I be rich.

My Godwill supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

a little log of memories: Starbucks and sweet friendships

2011-10-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

Layers of memories flood me as I open the door, walk into coffee. David's in school and I get to sit in Starbucks for a few hours. No matter what anyone says, no matter how snobby I get about coffee or the corporate world--this place will always be a little treat.

Picking up Kindra and a short mocha when she got off at Pioneer Square. We were like 19. Yikes! 13 years ago?!

Iced drinks with the girls--Amanda, Amanda, Ligaya, Alison, Sheri--in the Portland summer.

Hanging and selling photos on Freemont.

Studying, reading, writing, laughing, talking. Summer, fall, winter, spring.

Catching up with Shannon off 99W, with Lisah Bennet in Oxnard. Ahhh...a deep breath with Nadia. And the same with Natalie. Even recently.

A job for Sarah in those early days and a Tai Chi latte.

A recess from Grandma's house when I stayed with her for a summer.

It's a reminder of a cappuccino in Ljubljana and the ease of focus in a familiar and crowded place where you can't understand a word. (I'm surrounded by Asians today.)

And yet it's also America to me. An American haven in Austria. Oh, how I love Starbucks. Makes me think of Becca and the Pitchers. And Christina, Johnny, Brooke, David & Katka and Julie. Trips to Czech, debriefing afterwards.

Pre-back-to-school road trip with Kristi's girls. And their visit to Salem :)

That fateful first IKEA trip day with the Jacksons.

David & Katka & Christina and a big cry and deep missing.

Pre-marital counseling with the Mormances.

A Sunday morning french press and restful conversation with my lover and best buddy.

I could keep going and going. There's a lot.

Oh! That six-ish hour talk...

but you...

2011-10-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

... beloved,

building yourselves up in your most holy faith

and praying in the Holy Spirit,

keep yourselves in the love of God,

waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.

Jude 20, 21

we know that--

2011-10-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

--everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning

but he who was born of God protects him

and the evil one does not touch him.

--we are from God

and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

--the Son of God has come

and has given us understanding (so that we may know him who is true)

and we are in him who is true (in his Son Jesus Christ).

He is the true God and eternal life.

Little children, keep yourselves from idols.

(1 John 5:18-21)

That's all for now. Just some verses, some things I want to understand in the core of my soul. And a pretty picture.

slow and marching letters

2011-09-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

How is it that it's always new?

Is it always speaking?

Alive?

Am I so forgetful?

unobservant?

small & finite?

Is it new?

Am I new and so

I hear it different?

Does his tone change upon my next opening?

Did he grow the words while I slept?

This book, this book

the word

a word

Christ, the word

Messiah, Emmanuel

God with us, word with us,

among us, piercing us, dividing us,

healing us, washing us.

O, sword, Spirit's sword,

O, water

O, bread

O, Christ.

Now I sit, I stop, I open, I pray, I train my eyes and ears to run back and forth across these thin & stoic pages. I force myself to sit & wait. For anything?

For nothing?

Hello?

Sit & wait impatient, unbelieving (but I've seen it before)

Drop the seed & cover with dirt:

And miracle of miracles, by the time I'm mad

just as I've forgotten & called them dead

a leaf unbends itself,

pushing up the dirt.

And sword

And water

And bread

O seed of life.

Seed of Christ

in my tilled up heart

I wait

I wait on you.

From shriveled marching letters

in worn and distant heart

Life springs new

New and new

How is it that it's always new?

if you see this today...

2011-08-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

would you pray? Our neighbor is having surgery to remove cancer. They're also checking some spots on her liver, where the cancer may have spread. She's 21 with three tiny kids. We long for life and fullness and hope and healing for her body and her soul. Her name means Noble and we pray that she would be that.

2011-08-29T07:39:00.001-07:00

my journal still smells like campfire...

2011-08-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sun through trees, over trees, lighting morning
pulling steam and mirroring mountain
on the pane of the lake.
Trembled--and the mountain shudders,
shadows, shimmers.

Slowly squinted eyes, stillness & imagination re-
clarify and remind my mind.
Re-flection, re-fraction,
obscures the unobscured.

I thought about the mountain in the morning. The mountain on the water. Real or not real? I got annoyed at my philosophical-ness. And yet, I kept coming back to the thought.

Yes. The reflection is real.
Yes. It can be moved, it is not sturdy.

I'm thinking...is this the kind of authority Jesus has given us over mountains?

love is a good thing!

2011-08-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

We were at Kennan & Becca's wedding last weekend. It's such a joy to be at a wedding, celebrating with the families and remembering the blessing and the journey of this covenant called marriage.

Lately, we're living close with a few families that have grown and developed and lack the foundation of a covenant, and my heart breaks.Marriage can be so, so good. The everyday, richer/poorer, sicker/healthier, better/worsness of it. This commitment is probably the hardest, scariest, transformingest thing in the world and it's a good thing. This is one of our favorite love songs. Go Reckers!!

(Love is a Good Thing by Andrew Peterson)

the Volcanos!

2011-08-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

I hadn't really heard of the Salem baseball team before, but we sure did have a great time!

Debby (David's mom) was invited to sing the national anthem with her acapella group and we got free tickets to go with! (Thank you!!!) They did a great job, just notice how reverent the people in the background look. We all jumped when they actually made some bombs burst in the air...

Ha ha! The mascot is a crater!

I was super duper excited because this is my first real baseball game. David even bought me a $4.50 bag of cracker jacks to celebrate.

After the game--which lasted a riveting TEN innings there were fireworks! It was just perfect.

spear fishing

2011-08-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

When I thought of spear fishing, I envisioned something I think I'd read about in fourth grade.

Now, I have a different picture in my head. Our neighbor, Abi, has been bugging David to go fishing with him for about nine months. Originally, Abi would head down to the river and sit on the side, fishing pole dangling over the cliff, pretty normal-style, relaxing fishing. More recently, Abi's taken up spear fishing. By this he is talking about under water, foggy snorkel mask, slippery rocks, five-pronged spear, fish hunting. David's gone a few times and we've eaten a few really yummy (and free!) small mouth bass.

Yowzers! What a wild and crazy man I'm married to!

transition

2011-08-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is probably more for me than for anyone else, but Christina and I just jotted down some thoughts on transitions. Particularly going back to a place that you've been away from for an extended period of time. She's led a group of college interns this summer and they've just all left. Christina wrote the normal, I added the italics.

Adjusting Back...

People will have remained the same, you will be different. They won't know that you’re different. They might not ask you questions. You have to learn to be ok with people not being that interested in what you’ve learned or how you’ve changed.

Along with this, be bold in just volunteering information. You know what you want to tell them. You know what experiences you've had. There are a lot of people that would want to know, but just have no clue what to ask or where to even start. You'll probably feel this even from your family and closest friends.

You will have to adjust to a “new” normal. Going back home, you won't be able to slide back into normal life. You’re different now. You will be in the process of creating a “new” normal.

This is hard work. And probably more important work than anything you did during the summer. Long lasting change and maturity is what it's all about.

One of the keys in this for me, was integrating the things that I'd learned into my current context. There's not TWO of you. There's just one and you have new things that you are now responsible to bring back into your context.

Oh, and be okay with letting yourself feel the emotions--happy and sad and etc--of the transition. If you need to cry about something, do it really well! That's really the only way I know of to get it over with.

Don't expect people will want to know or talk about it to the extent that you want to talk.

Think about how you can talk about experiences in ways that other people can relate to. Reduce the times you say snobbily "back when I was on my missions trip…" and increase the times you say "last summer…" Internally, this does two things--first, everyone else had a last summer, too. And they'd probably love to talk about it as much as you want to talk about yours. Talk and listen. Second, it helps you to integrate your life. Not two different yous, but one you over the course of time.

But you do need to process. Find people in your world that are good enough friends that will listen to you and set aside times to talk. Keep in touch with other interns and process what its like back home, what you miss, what is frustrating, what brings you joy...

Also, write stuff down--journal, emails, blog, write lists, poems, doodles, funny things, conversations you want to remember. Or draw pictures, write songs, whatever are your ways of remembering stuff. It'll be helpful for next time you go through this same kind of thing. And helpful for remembering treasures and milestones that you don't want to forget.

Think through--realistically--a few people you'd like to stay in contact with and be proactive about it. Think through how to transition your relationship to be current. Talking about things that are currently happening and that you'd like to see happen in the future. If you only ever talk about the "glory days" your friendship won't develop beyond the memory of the past summer.

Remember that Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever. He is the same in every city state place and context. He was with you during the summer and is still with you now. Cry out to him, he will listen, and he will ultimately be the one that will understand.

If you have personal experience returning or living with a returner, we'd love to hear your dos centavos :)

uh, yes.... yes, yes, YES!

2011-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

Three days ago I turned 32. I think the older I am, the richer I feel. Every year I like my life more. And it gets harder, too. We are facing trials of various kinds and I guess I just always wonder how to be. How to feel and rest and be in pain and in the unsolved. And how to rejoice at the same time.

I read this today in James and am mulling over it:
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

The testing of your faith... For me, these are the questions that come: Is God enough? Is he good? Does he love? Is he able? Can he save? Does he see? Does he care? Will he protect? Do I believe? Often, I hold the questions just below the surface. Just below acknowledgement. But I'm realizing that in the asking of them, in the answering of them, in the hoping and waiting, in the resounding yes!--there is faith.

And the testing, it produces steadfastness...
which we must let have its full effect
let the steadfastness bloom
brighten
develop
mature, ripen, ferment
that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing.

Nothing.

sorrows, burdens

2011-07-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

I went to a girl's house at 10 this morning--one of the sweeties that I tutor. The front door of the apartment was open. No one answered. I talked with a friend that's hurting and then I came back after a half hour and she and her sister were riding bikes in the faded black top parking lot. Brown stringy hair in their faces, bare feet, skinned toes. Filth crusting their clothes, too big for their small bodies. I couldn't stop staring at the blotch of dried coffee-ish-ness at her neckline. Their mom's asleep, later her uncle's taking them swimming so she can't do tutoring today. I left sad and texted David,

There are simply too many messes.

When I came home I made a list of twenty-seven crises that I'm watching and experiencing. I'm feeling a lot of weight. Feeling a lot of need. A lot of grief at the state of things:

division, betrayal, mistrust, bitterness, unforgiveness, miscommunication, no communication, drunkenness, addiction, borderline personality disorder, bipolarity, diabetes, failing pancreas, fighting, lies, unfaithfulness, cheating, swearing, Playboy, not disciplining children, not caring for children, disobedience, poverty, verbal abuse, prison, drugs, no rest, broken covenant, no covenant, being foreign, disobedience, no grace, condemnation, isolation, transient-ness, suicide, unloved, lost love, lost daughter, lost job, lost home, loneliness, distant marriage, pressure, pressure, worry, no work, too many bills, dizzyness, deafness, diabetes, anorexia, treatments, autism, delays, pornography, materialism, ignorance, money, disunity, chemical imbalance, inconsistency, intolerance, hate, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, behavior modification, screaming, yelling, anger, impatience, medication, disillusionment, schizophrenia, attack, manipulation, masturbation, offense, fetal alcohol syndrome, dirty, cheating, misleading, conniving, scheming, slandering, screeching, threatening, recording wrongs, bullying, breaking rules, blaming. Uncleaned, uncared for, unprotected, unfed, unloved, untaught, undisciplined children. Resentment, jealousy, need, struggle, bitterness, hunger, judgment, comparison, misperception, loneliness, frustration, unresolved, unreconciled, lost community, lost trust, lost friendship, lost desire, lost hope, cancer, death, lostness, mourning, widow, death, widower, death, cancer, treatments, old age, junk, complications, paperwork, hoops, obstacles, governments, injustice, missed growth, unfulfilled hope, sickness of heart, issues, incessant crying, rage, removal, accusations, evil choices, pushing away, shutting out, selfishness, anger, avoiding eye contact, shame, widening gulfs, abuse

We were laughing at our weird life last night.

2011-07-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

I laugh at it every few days. I got to have coffee with Celina and Bobbi, who we found out is quitting her job and starting school, which seems like a totally risky and brilliant and hopeful idea. Our friend Birgitta had her 34th birthday party in her front yard last night and her husband wore a Brittney Spears microphone and told stories and then led a sing-a-long of pop songs. All the kids were dancing into the dusk and we were talking and laughing and celebrating. We just had berry shortbread for breakfast (because we haven't been home to have it for dessert and I was tired of it sitting in the refrigerator) and I got to talk with a neighbor girl who is not doing well at all. We really have no idea what's actually going on in their home, but we know it's bad. So we decided we just need to pray and lean in, but not go off of the info they give because it's all muddled up. It's really great for us to wrestle through this kind of thing--like what the heck to do when we are the closest godly people to a disasterous situation and feel completely untrained and unprepared--but it's a huge and dangerous mess. David just left to go spear fishing with Abi and I'm about to go to a bridal shower for Becca (who I worked a the coffee shop with, who is marrying Kennan, whose parents are in our home community). Tonight we're going to another birthday party--for Marina, the Schwary's daughter, who are also part of our church. Lots of adventures and parties!

While we ate our eggs and shortbread this morning, David and I were talking this about how we feel confused and taken aback in the situation with our neighbors, but deeply encouraged by the fact that God gives his Spirit WITHOUT limit. And wondering what in the world that looks like and how to live like it. I think we typically act and perceive the world as though there is a roof to how much God intervenes, how much authority he's given us, how much he will respond when we pray, how much he can save a person from, what he can really do in a situation and how much/if he will give wisdom. However, in reality, he says there's not a limit or roof...

Any thoughts or wisdom or prayers about this or the last post are invited.

mission!

2011-07-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Jesus, early in his ministry, found this passage in Isaiah and spoke it to a full synagogue in his hometown:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor;

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,

and the day of vengence of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion--

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he may display his beauty.

They shall build up the ancient ruins;

they shall raise up the former devestations;

they shall repair the ruined cities,

the devastations of many generations.

I read this and I wonder why we talk more about apologetics, the four spiritual laws, a wordless book and the Romans road than this. The tools are fine, but.... What if we started our ministry/mission/evangelism/neighboring/friendships/churches/marriages/whatever with the power, anointing, discernment, meaning, grace that Jesus proclaimed?

These words are truth for us--we are those who have been poor, borkenhearted, captive, bound, blind, mourning, covered in ashes and faint. And too often I find myself returning to these places--frustrated, exhausted, disillusioned, broken, paralyzed, trapped, worried, ashamed, worn out. These are all words I use to describe myself. A few days ago, David and I made a deal to proclaim life and liberty and good news to each other. I long to learn and practice to be able to speak the gospel into every kind of situation--to myself and to others (Christians and non-Christians). These things are so hard to grasp alone and I feel like I need to be trained to see and speak them.

Look at the proclamations:
good news
liberty
opening of prison/recovery of sight
God's favor and God's vengence (both!)

Look at the gifts:
binding up of hearts
comfort
beautiful headdresses
oil of gladness
garments of praise

And--how hopeful!--look at who these things are for:
the poor
the brokenhearted
the captives
those who are bound/blind
those who mourn, hold ashes, are of a faint spirit

Look at the results:
That they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

Wow! This is how I want to be, how I want to live, how I want to speak, how I want to give.

a story of the kingdom

2011-07-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Long ago,

at many times and in many ways,

God spoke to our fathers by the prophets.

But in these last days he has spoken to us by a Son

(whom he appointed the heir of all things)

(through whom he also created the world).

He is the radiance of the glory of God,

the exact imprint of his being,

holding the universe together by his powerful word.

After he had made purification for sins,

he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high...

from Hebrews 1 (combined ESV, NIV, RSV translations)

Ah ha! This is our story! This is what shapes our today! This is our King, our God! Don't forget it!

a rich, rich trip

2011-06-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

Showing David the home where Christina and I lived.

Together with the Jackson family at one of my favorite places.

A meal David can't stop thinking about.

Beautiful family, good commercial :)

Hope and future.

Reflecting.

Kind of like Coca-Cola...

Our sister, Mana.

Light.

Mateja translating for David.

Zvonko baptizing Ana.

And a most beautiful sight--disciples making disciples.

Other wonders...
Meeting babies and seeing new parents.
Visiting people long loved.
Experiencing God's continuous and powerful movement.

All over the world the gospel is bearing fruit and growing. Just as it has been doing among you from the first day you heard it until now... (Colossians)

worship

2011-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Beauty is the voice endlessly calling and so we see, so we reach.

Doubt the philosophies,
doubt the prophecies,
doubt the Pharisees (especially the ones seen in mirrors),
but who can doubt this, Beauty?
Beauty requires no justification, no explanation; it simply is and transcends. See beauty and we know it in the marrow, even if we have no words for it: Someone is behind it, in it. Beauty Himself completes.
....
I have to seek God beauty. Because isn't my internal circuitry wired to seek out something worthy of worship? Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don't see God, I'll bow down before something else.

from One Thousand Gifts

kindness

2011-02-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

Last year I asked my grandma which holiday is her favorite. She said she likes Valentines best.

Before we got married she asked me if David is a kind man. She asked me that a few times. He is. Her husband was a kind man. And I think maybe that's why she liked Valentine's Day so much.

We went out for breakfast on Valentine's Eve and thought about husbands and wives in our families and how we're thankful for their love. I wish I had a pictures of couples further back into family history, but this will have to do :)

a confession and a correction

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

I was wandering through the creation story this morning and saw this verse.

And in the ground, the Lord made to spring up every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. (Genesis 2:9)

Pleasant to the sight? It caught me in the heart and I had to blink back tears. I love to see and make and hold and enjoy beautiful things. Sometimes I feel guilty about this. Or, if not guilty, just like it's an extra, unimportant thing to be easily dropped when more important things come along.

I've long loved this quote--

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. (British craftsman and poet William Morris, 1800s)

--but haven't known how to reconcile it with the spiritual side of things, thoughts on simplicity, etc. I tend to believe that prettiness is superfluous. It's a gift to know that God--on purpose--made his garden a delight to the eyes.

come, spring!

2011-02-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

Frost on the roof and cars this morning.
Walking on top of solid puddles.
Light exposing the bare tree and the clear blue sky sing hope.

faith/sight and grace/earning

2011-02-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

David's been really enjoying Hearing God by Dallas Willard. Last night he read me this,

Faith is not opposed to knowledge; it is opposed to sight. And grace is not opposed to effort; it is opposed to earning. Commitment is not sustained by confusion but by insight.

It's so easy to think that faith is a blind leap. But it can't be blindness; Jesus came to heal the blind. He came to give understanding, insight, wisdom. And he also came that we might live trusting him. Wow!

Ahh...that this understanding would seep out in my faith, in my acceptance of grace and in my wholehearted effort.

pass by me

2011-02-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

Our church has been reading and thinking and talking and praying about this section from Mark 6 for the past weeks. It happens just after Jesus and the disciples broke a few loaves of bread and fed 5,000 people.

Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. And when evening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid. And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

In the midst of their exhaustion and the raging storm, Jesus meant to pass by. Really? Look at it. It sounds like he meant to walk right past them and meet them on the opposite side. He saw their distress and he didn't care? Like rubberneckers on the freeway after an accident. I'll just look at the trouble and say, "Bummer!" Jesus often confuses me, but this seems so contrary to his character. To see distress, to see his men making headway painfully and to pass by.

But then we were pointed to Moses and to Elijah. God also passed by them--passed by his chosen, stiff-necked, hard-hearted people. The disciples, Moses, Elijah (and often us, too) were/are in places of chaos, fear, separation, darkness. And God, the God who sees, passed by:

The Lord said to Moses, "I will make my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The Lord.' And I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy....Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by."

And Elijah, when he was in great despair, hiding and wishing to die:

Behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him...

So I think about us. When we are in chaos, fear, separation, darkness.

Oh, God, pass by! Pass by and show us your goodness, let us know your grace, mercy. I want to see your glory. Let us be by you. Cover us. Speak to us with your low whisper.

May we see with our eyes--
when the man on the water walks toward us,
hear with our ears--
in the midst of the whipping wind, the earthquake, the fire,
understand with our hearts.

May we turn and be healed.

to my favorite person in the whole world...

2011-01-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

David, thank you for washing dishes every single day,

for being a man who stands firm,

for being a man who is growing and moving forward and taking me with you,

for cherishing me,

for being my family.

I love you so much. And I really am serious, so far this is the best year of my life.

xoxoxo

the fierce urgency of now

2011-01-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism.

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline.

We will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope.

(excerpts from the I Have a Dream speech, given by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963)

------
What dream do I have? May it be bigger than me, bigger than my life.

May we stand with faith, hope and discipline. May we stand for justice. Let freedom ring!

baked potato soup

2011-01-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

I originally got this recipe from Laurel Jenkins when I visited their newly-three family in Germany :) Now it's one of our winter favorites. I bake the potatoes when I'm hanging around the house doing chores and leave them on the counter to cool until it's time to make dinner.

8 slices bacon, cut up into little pieces

Cook over medium heat in Dutch oven til rendered and crisping. Remove with a slotted spoon onto paper towels. Pour off about half of the fat from your pan. Add:

1 medium onion, chopped

Cook in drippings until translucent. Add:

2/3 c flour

Stir to prevent lumps. As they turn golden slowly pour in:

6 c hot chicken stock

whisking until liquid thickens. Bring to a simmer. Return bacon to pot and add:

6 medium baked potatoes, partially peeled and diced

2 c whole milk or cream

1/4 c chopped parsley

2 t garlic

2 t basil

1 t Tabasco or a few chopped up little red chili pepper

1 t salt
1 1/2 t pepper
Simmer 10 minutes. Don't boil! Add:

1 c grated cheddar cheese

1/4 c chopped green onions

Yum!

Serves 6.

thoughts

2011-01-10T15:26:00.000-08:00

Could we be missionaries in a foreign country before we pay off all our student loans?

Death and mourning--How to do it well? Why is it always so uncomfortable? It feels stupid.

Grandma is NINETY-EIGHT!!

Becoming a praying wife.

When do I say 'no' to something that will drain me/us and when do I say 'yes'? Not accidentally saying no to the things that are actually my top priorities.

How do I help a kid remember the sound that a letter makes?

Why do I get so distracted?

How to be a friend.

Are my five loaves and two fishes enough? Ha ha! No--of course not!

How does ongoing forgiveness fit with covering the shame fit with telling the truth?

In the process of forgiveness, how important is it that the offender ask for forgiveness?

What is a church? What do we do on Sunday?

Hurt, people and pain in the church.

Finding new recipes. Getting out of this cooking/eating rut that we're in.

When to think about money and when to not think about money?

Keeping the house on the cleaner, more inviting end of the spectrum so that it is a welcome place for us and others.

I don't need to own something to enjoy it.

Celebrations.

Love. Hope. Victory.

He daily bears our burdens?!

mexican salad

2010-12-16T13:59:00.000-08:00

Although I’m sure it would earn an enthusiastic What the hell is this? from our dear and authentically Mexican neighbor, this is a new favorite among the authentically non-Mexican Burnham family.

I wish I had a picture because it's really pretty.

Salad

1 head Romaine
1/3 bunch of cilantro, roughly chopped

Toss together.

2 tomatoes, deseeded and chopped
red onion, sliced, to taste

1 avocado chopped

1/2 can black beans

1/2 can whole kernel corn

1 1/2 c cheddar and/or jack cheese

Combine into salad.

corn chips

Dressing (My variation of Catalina. Bottled would work fine, I’m sure.)

1/4 c ketchup
slight 1/4 c sugar
1/4 c red wine vinegar
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/2 t paprika
1/4 t Worchestershire sauce
1/2 t minced garlic
s & p

Whisk together.

1/2 c oil

Blend other ingredients and slowly drizzle oil while running the blender to emulsify.

Set corn chips and dressing on the side for people to assemble it themselves. This is the trick to not making this into a disgusting and/or soggy taco salad.

Serves 6.

Optional: Grill and slice a chicken breast on top. Fajita seasonings or blackened chicken would be good. Corn chips can be easily made by brushing corn tortillas with oil, lime juice, and salt, slicing and baking at 350 for 10-20 minutes. Watch closely.

christmas and all it's ornaments

2010-12-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

For any party, any celebration, for any pre-meditated giving of hospitality there is a normal preparation process: grocery shop, clean the bathroom, vacuum the floors, chop, cook, bake, snap at David, tidy the kitchen, say sorry to David, light the candles and set up the patio or the table and then wait for the first knock.

Last time we were getting ready for guests I got frazzled (as usual) and David asked if it will always have to be that way.

Um........
......
.........
no....

And I realized, hey! No! It doesn't have to be this way! And, good grief, why is it that way? Why do I get snappy? Stress is normal and fine. But two questions--what exactly am I feeling pressure about? And why?

I have this vision of what "right" or "put together" looks like. And then anything less than that is a failure and makes me look bad. Uh...what kind of pretty is that? It's empty and certainly not welcoming.

Desire for a guest to be welcome, blessed, loved--those are good reasons for a pretty home. Those are good reasons to give a pretty present. Those are good reasons for a little pressure, but not good reasons to be rude or snide. A good intention is so easy to accidentally squeeze lifeless. I have to hold the intentions gently, with an openness and joy that generosity requires.

So, I've been wondering about Christmas. Thinking a lot about why we all do what we do. Why am I already feeling stressed and a little snappy about Christmas dinner? Why did I demand a Christmas tree (in the nicest possible way, of course)? Why do I feel like a chicken with my head cut off when I think about the procurement of Christmas gifts?

I think of the celebration. This is one of our happiest times of year. We celebrate Emmanuel--God with us! We celebrate a bright spot in all of eternity, but it's so easy to accidentally get tangled in the lights and ornaments. So easy to accidentally squeeze the life out of it.

Instead, I'm pondering reality.
Pondering the great generosity of our Good Father.
Pondering a heavy Maria riding on a donkey, stumbling into a damp stable toward a scratchy manger.
Pondering a star in the darkest night.
Pondering angels singing over shepherds.

Thinking about how I can give Jesus a good gift. How we can really celebrate him--have a real party for his birthday!

It's a little bit of pressure. A little stressful. And so real, so normal. We will celebrate with family. Celebrate with an unmarried mother. Celebrate with lights in the darkness. Celebrate with rich food and tired people. So profoundly real and true and right. I long for beauty on the inside and the outside. I long for people to be welcome and blessed and loved. I long to give and I long to receive.

pumpkin cheesecake

2010-12-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

16 oz cream cheese, soft

1/2 c sugar

1 t vanilla

Beat til smooth.
2 eggs
Add one. Blend in. Add the other. Blend in.

1 graham cracker crust (9 inch size)

Spread 1 1/2 c on bottom of crust.

1/2 c pumpkin puree

1/2 t cinnamon

pinches cloves, nutmeg, ginger, cardamom (use any or all)
Add pumpkin and spices to cheesecake mixture. Pour as a second layer into pie shell. Set pie in a pan of water and bake at 325* for 40-55 min until golden and center is almost set. Cool and refrigerate.

Top with whipped cream made of ginger, powdered sugar and heavy whipping cream.

Thank you for inviting us to celebrate Thanksgiving with you, dear Stepanians! We love you!

The recipe is my version of the one found here.

"become a Christian"

2010-11-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

As we're reading through the Gospel of Matthew with some friends, I have been trying to figure out what it means to become a Christian. Or how to do it. I've heard the phrases all my life: become a Christian, ask Jesus in your heart. But how? And what do they mean? Where did we come up with those ideas? Does it happen like that?

Those all sound like items on a check list.

And I'm confused because Jesus doesn't talk like that. Last week we read this in chapter 25. Jesus speaking:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.... Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.

So, there are those that are cursed--"thrown into a fire prepared for the devil and his angels." And there are those that are blessed--"to inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world."

And then, in his letter to the saints in Ephesus, the Apostle Paul wrote,

You were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace and kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this not of your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Dead in sins, sons of disobedience, children of wrath, goats. He made it clear that all of us start out this way.

But God made us alive together with Christ. And those of us that are alive, and recipients of great grace and kindness...we should walk in the good works he's prepared for us!

Maybe that's key. Maybe it's not so much that caring for those in need created the distinction between the goats and the sheep, the cursed and the blessed, the dead and the alive, but maybe it's that it shows the distinction between those who know the King and who have received his gift of grace and those who won't.

So what about those who live and love like sheep, but haven't "become a Christian"?

"Praying a prayer" isn't enough to transform a person, is it?
Is it?

This is crazy and inflammatory stuff that Jesus said. And I don't get it. Or maybe I'm starting to get it. I experience it...
but the pieces of this puzzle are all over the floor right now. They were under the rug and we've lifted the rug. I can't quite get pieces back together yet.

Wrestlings? Passages? Thoughts?

hold fast to hope

2010-11-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

Though he slay me, I will hope in him...
God breaks me down on every side, and I am gone,
and my hope has he pulled up like a tree. (Job 13, 19)

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame. (Ps 25)

The war horse is a false hope for salvation...
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine. (Ps 33)

For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. (Ps 37)

My hope is in you. (Ps 39)

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God....
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God....
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. (Ps 42, 43)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him. (Ps 62)

Rescue me...
For you, O Lord, are my hope. (Ps 71)

Blessed is he...
whose hope is in the Lord his God. (Ps 146)

The Lord takes pleasure...
in those who hope in his steadfast love.
Praise! (Ps 147)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13)

...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength... (Isaiah 40)

...I am the Lord;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed. (Isaiah 49)

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.... There is hope for your future. (Jeremiah 29, 31)

But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good...
it is good...
there may yet be hope. (Lamentations 3)

I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. (Hosea 2)

"It is with respect to the hope and the resurrection of the dead that I am on trial.... I worship the God of our fathers, believing everything laid down by the Law and written in the Prophets, having a hope in God, that there will be a resurrection.... And now I stand here on trial because of my hope in the promise made by God to our fathers, to which our twelve tribes hope to attain, as they earnestly worship night and day. And for this hope I am accused." (Paul, Acts 23 to 26)

In hope Abraham believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations. (Romans 4)

Let us rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,
and endurance produces character,
and character produces hope,
and hope does not disappoint us,
because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5)

Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. (Romans 8)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (Romans 15)

He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.... Since we have such a hope, we are very bold...the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (Paul, 2 Corinthians)

I pray...that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you. (Ephesians 1)

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to ... live godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. (Titus 2)

We who have fled for refuge might have a strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and certain anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the holy place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever... (Hebrews 6)

Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
(Hebrews 10)

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you... (1 Peter 1)

-------------------
My Analysis and Synthesis

God delights in our hope.

Hope is called upon, tested in the fire of desire, need, affliction, longing, pain, sorrow, trembling.

Hope is blessing. Hope brings peace. Hope is joy. Hope and praise walk hand in hand.

The Spirit flows peace into our hearts.

Hope in the Lord is also translated Wait on the Lord. Hoping looks like waiting.

Our hope in God will not be disappointed. Hope is certain when it is hope in God--not in circumstances, not in relationships, not in any of a million other things. God-delighting hope, hope which will be fulfilled, hope that is blessing--that hope is in God alone.

-----
I think that hope is a paradox of a gift. A gift that brings gut-wrenching tears. A gift so good and so rich and so horrible that it is often left unopened under the Christmas tree. A gift only embraced by the most courageous, most broken among us. A gift that looks like poverty. A gift that looks a lot like a slut pouring out her entire life-savings on the feet of a carpenter, that looks like a shriveled old woman dropping the last of the grocery money into the offering, that looks like living in a foreign country alone, that looks like waiting too long for two children from Africa to come home, that looks like longing for life as a husband is being eaten by cancer.

O, that we would be the remnant who wholly embrace this gift.

autumn Sabbath

2010-11-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

We sat down to eat oatmeal boiled in milk with ginger, honey, apples, cranberries, walnuts. I've finally discovered that I like this mush. The Sunday mugs and coffee. It's bright and sunny and cold outside. The leaves are brilliant.

Today is a day to stop and to worship.

a spirit

2010-10-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)

This is what we've been given. When we believe in him, we've been just GIVEN this; it's part of the package deal.

Nothing we did for it. Nothing we do for it. Except believe it and live like it.

So, when I act all nervous and subservient and slobby and rude--it's me not acting in accordance with the spirit that I've been given. It's weird and unfitting; it doesn't make sense for any of God's people to be slippery or passive or apathetic or self-protective. It's awkward to live like weak, pale tea because it's not in line with the spirit that we have been given. It's in line with the old self, my flesh. But my old me is not it. That doesn't fit with this spirit I've been given.

Deep inside--in the deepest parts of us--God has come and made his home. Of course we would have

power

love

self-control

Luke David Stepanian

2010-10-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome little Luke! We love you and thank God for the gift of you to our family.

education and life

2010-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I keep asking myself how school and life fit together.

The last few years I've done a range of long-term, temporary and shorter teaching jobs. I've taught Math, Social Studies, English, PE, Spanish, Health. There have been kids labeled as bilingual, autistic, "Talented and Gifted" and ADHD. Kids that go to Paris for the summer and kids that go to Mexico for Christmas. I've taught little people who are wiggling out of their skins and I've taught middle schoolers that are growing into their lanky limbs. I've taught in a school with a parking lot full of Hybrids and dirt-less SUVs, where kids play golf, do archery and climb in their own rock gym for PE. And I've taught in places with few books, where children have bright, snapping brown eyes and timidly test their English words on me as they eat their free breakfast, warming before school.

There is so much to learn about the art of leading a classroom of people. I now know that I don't actually speak Spanish, but that I'm pretty competent at teaching it. I know that to play hangman with my name at the beginning of class can setup a group to be more productive in the remaining forty-five minutes than they could've in an hour without it. I know how to simultaneously give a nasty snap at the chitter-chatters, and delightedly listen to another. I know that standing at the door and looking each kid in the eyes as they come and go (even when they're too cool to see me!), can earn a teacher a few hugs and a lot of respect. I've learned that bodies sprawl in funny positions when people are really reading. I've learned working usually sounds like a low murmur--the whir of the brain. I know that there are things in life that are way, way, way more important than the grammar worksheet. I've learned that often the more softly I speak, the more clearly I'm heard. I've learned to sparingly and sharply deliver a deadly, evil eye and to find true joy in the quirky doodles of the quietly overlooked boy in the corner. I've learned to let go, not worry so much about being "in control of the classroom" as much as to respect and defend the learner-ship of the people in it. And I've recently noticed that not only do I need a lot of help, but that kids like to help out (if they like you). And that they usually like me if I like them.

Gosh. That's just in these first six weeks, not to mention the lessons over the past two years.

This is my third year of substitute teaching. I can't decide if I like it this way. On one hand, because I don't have my own bins of journals to grade and piles of lessons to plan I have space to think and cook and enjoy life with David and family and neighbors; but on the other hand, I'm frustrated by the in-and-out nature of a substitute's relationships with kids. Funny trade-off. I want to know, are the options mutually exclusive?

---------
I'm thinking about these things because this morning I watched a fascinating video about education, creativity and expectations of and on schools and little people. Sir Ken Robinson said, "Most people are getting educated out of creativity." Is there any hope for the re-imagining of education? Are public schools stunting learning?

So, after all that, I still think it comes back to the teacher and her thirty kids. Is the teacher a learner? Is the teacher a lover? And then, the big question in my mind, how to allow the teacher enough life-room to be a learner and be a lover?

portland and books

2010-09-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

I had some birthday money and I finally decided what I wanted. A copy of The Message and one of my all-time favorite books, The Wise Woman by George MacDonald. Ever read it? I love it. One of the only books that I look forward to reading again every few years.

words and art from 1 Peter

2010-09-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

May grace and peace be multiplied to you.

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

You were ransomed from the futile ways...with the precious blood of Christ.

You are a chosen race,
a royal priesthood,
a holy nation,
a people for his own possession,
that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Christ suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring us to God.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.... Let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.... the God of all grace, who has called you into his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

burnham berry blast

2010-08-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

Not long ago I accidentally picked a whole lot of berries. My friend and I were chitter chattering and--boom, 4 hours later--22 pounds of strawberries, 17 pounds of marionberries and 76 pounds of blueberries. Needless to say, it was quite a shock to our postage-stamp sized kitchen. After much fretting and washing and sharing and eating and cobbling, the berries are safely tucked away in the bellies and the freezer. Fortunately, they were only a buck a pound. David and I decided on a 25 pound max limit from now on.

And just thought I'd tack it on: we have a very favorite crisp recipe. We have it for dessert and then the leftovers are wonderful with coffee for breakfast.

Berry Crisp (serves 9)

4-ish c berries
1/2 c sugar (use more for raspberries, less for very sweet berries)
2 T cornstarch
1 3/4 c quick oats
1 c flour
1 c brown sugar
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 c butter

Crush 1 c berries; add enough water to measure 1cup. In saucepan, mix sugar, cornstarch and berry mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in remaining berries. In bowl, combine oats, flour, brown sugar and soda. Cut in butter to make crumbs. Press half into a greased 9x9 baking dish. Spread with berries. Sprinkle with remaining crumbs. Bake at 350* for 25 minutes or until it's golden and bubbly. Eat warm or cold. YUM!

8/2011 Now I do 4-6 cups of berries. We like it even better with more! And less sugar if the berries are particularly sweet.

so, we were driving through austria...

2010-07-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Christina recently unearthed this for me. I scowl--and then laugh--every single time. I miss you guys.
May 2005

happy summer

2010-07-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

a confession

2010-05-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago David and I were passing Nurture Shock by Po Bronson back and forth. In it, Bronson gives some staggering statistics on kids and lying. I read it and I was just depressed wondering how much of what I hear from kids at school is lie. (Did I mention I've been teaching middle school math?) According to the research kids lie a lot and usually (rather than to avoid punishment) it is in order to please the adults in their life. It sparked great conversation between the two of us about lying, truth and honesty. I didn't really feel like lying is a thing for me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually flat out lied.

And then... today, I was walking out to the car. David and I had roped off an area of the lawn for our garden awhile back, but then he got a job and we'll be moving and so we've been uncertain and haven't moved forward with the digging and the lawn has grown a bit out of control and it's ugly and seedlingless and ahhhrgh... Behind the house we have a few beautiful, little seedlings. David is super diligent about tucking them into the garage at night and bringing them out into sunlight during the day. When it was raining really hard he even figured out how they could get light in the garage. At any rate, he has been the major work force behind all garden endeavors this year.

Walking to the car, I ran into some neighbors. They asked if we'd planted yet. Basically, over the course of our three minute conversation, I lied about the garden because I didn't want to tell them we were moving and because I didn't want to appear lazy. I made it sound like I've been twiddling my thumbs waiting for David and we just got busy and we're not sure how we're going to do it and ... whatever--I LIED to them! I think I feel most awful about insinuating that it is David's fault.

You know, it was one of those situations where there was very little actual factual untruth, but I was certainly and purposefully and self-protectively misleading. As I drove off, the Holy Spirit poked me somewhere out on the far edges of my heart, but thankfully I took note <<That's lie.>>

Uff.

Yuck. I apologized and turned back to Jesus--the light of the world. I'll talk with David as soon as I can. It's a painfully good reminder that I must be active in my pursuit of truth and light. Always. I need Jesus. I need truth deeply. Deep truth deeply. Jesus is that.

It also makes me wonder: I thought lying wasn't a thing for me, but by the faintness and real-ness of the Spirit's poke--how often have I done this exact same thing? And how much do I have to learn about truth?

I want truth and light in my deepest parts.

more on water

2010-04-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

So, we're reading from 2 Kings in the Burnham household these days. There's a crazy story that I don't remember from Sunday school about some thirsty people:

After a roundabout march of seven days (hmm, sounds familiar), the army had no more water for themselves or for the animals with them (also sounds familiar). The Israelites were parched. Their animals were parched. They decided to ask the prophet, Elisha, for help. Elisha ends up telling the guys, "This is what the Lord says: Make this valley full of ditches. For this is what the Lord says: You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water...
This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord."
And then, amazingly, the next morning, the water just started flowing. It filled the land, and subsequently even reflected red so that the army that opposed the thirsty Israelites thought it was blood. Weird. And you'll just have to read the rest of the story yourself (2 Kings 3). It's a crazy adventure! Water to drink and a war won. More than those Israelites would've asked or imagined!

It's been ringing in my head. As we look for jobs, as we wonder what to do next, as we wish we lived in a foreign country--in any and every uncertainty, I can know for certain--
This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord.

water and thoughts

2010-04-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

We are going to spend an hour today in following a drop of water on its travels. If I dip my finger into this basin of water and lift it up again, I bring with it a small glistening drop out of the water below and hold it before you. Tell me, have you any idea where this drop has been? What changes it has undergone, and what work it has been doing during all the long ages water has lain on the face of the earth? (Arabella B. Buckley, 1878)

Yesterday, I spent five hours watching 125 fourteen-year-olds take a test on the Lewis & Clark Expedition. I had a lot of time to think. We were in the library and I picked up a book about water. Did you know that in the teeniest drop of water there are over 300 million water molecules?

I think about how our bathroom faucet drips incessantly. I think about the last National Geographic cover--Water: Our Thirsty World. I think about how Jesus said he was living water, we will never thirst again after we drink him. I think about Arabella's wondering words.

there is such satisfaction...

2010-04-15T15:10:00.000-07:00

in correctly balancing a check register. It's been a bit of a process, but I think we finally have a working, up-to-date financial system. I think I'm unduly excited about having a budget and adding up all the little columns of numbers. I love setting up systems and David is amazing at maintaining systems, so I think we're on the road to making this whole thing work out. Time will tell... :)

for moms and people like me

2010-04-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

So, I know not everyone is interested in seeing 134 of our wedding pictures, but if you are a person like me (who appreciates good photography and always wants the long version with pictures) or if you are a mother related to this situation (that's you--Mrs. Burnham and Mrs. Stepanian), I am certain that you'll be delighted with this latest link.

Official Wedding Photographs

The password is Burnham.

I would love to hear which are your favorites, so take note as you peruse. We've got to make a list for our picture book soon.

a great and beautiful joy

2010-04-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

For years I've loved Mana and prayed for her to be free and know Jesus. She was totally trapped and it was so difficult, so unlikely, so frustrating. We just kept waiting and praying.

And .... JOY! This weekend she was baptized at the church retreat in Croatia. She started a blog and is telling about her new life. Click here to see it. Enjoy!!!

You know, Mana means manna, as in 'bread from heaven.' Who's ever met anyone named manna, but I do believe that there's a perfectly good reason for her to have such a weighty name.

the best day ever

2010-03-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

*waking up and talking with Christina, reading Psalm 103-105 together and coffee with Mateja ;)
*seeing an empty, beautiful room for the reception
*getting ready with the girls, feeling so blessed by such dear women
*wearing my dress
*walking down the aisle with my dad
*hearing words of life and the stuff Bob said to David and I
*being so prepared and making a covenant with God and David
*having a little party with the wedding party
*John serving communion and saying, "Let the feast begin..."
*a celebration!!!!
*being married to David Wesley Burnham .pika.

Patrick Wilson, a dear friend of John and Sarah's, did a fantastic job as our photographer. Looking through the pictures, I was flooded with emotions from the day. This is one of our favorites so far.
Wedding Pictures

And here is a link from the photobooth. Patrick set up a camera and guests took pictures. David and I looked at them while we were in the library. We had a very difficult time surpressing our laughter! Woweee!!!
Photobooth (the password is Burnham)

Ok, now, I'm going to be bossy. If you look at pictures, leave a comment on this blog! I really, really wish that I could be showing them to you in person, but since I can't...will you please tell me if you looked at them??! Please!

welcome :)

2010-03-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Well...it's still bare bones. But HI!!!

ธนากร แสนโซ้ง

2010-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

This is a sweet email from David's friend, Jeng. They met while David was on a mission trip in Thailand.

Hey...
Very very very very Happy to hear from You...

I love you friend
Wow.... that is good new ...
Conglatulation! for new family
you are getting married on January 30th 2010

I want to see you on wedding day and take photo with you ..
but.... I don't know How to go to there ...????
I will try swim go to there with my wife ....ha ha ha h aaaaaaaaaaaaa
I hope God will lead us to meet again

Tell Anna your girlfriend I want to tell her
"God give the best boyfriend for you
please,Love and take care his a lot ..." ha ha ha

God bless you

The day the your wedding That is Good day for your both life..

ps. Don't forget send some wedding photo for me ..

L-O-V-E

thirteen days

2010-01-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

It's only thirteen days until we get married. I think about our wedding and being married and the giant-ness (and ordinary-ness) of the transition all of the time. However, I must admit, a large part of me is looking forward to the day when each conversation doesn't begin with "How many days?" or "How's the planning?" or "Where are you registered?" (I was initially confused...registered to vote?) It can feel like a tenuous balance--to do the work of the preparations, to enjoy being in this process and to continue living in the real world all at the once.Overall, my prayer is that David and I would be true and whole-hearted worshipers of God.

January 30th

2009-11-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

A wonderful day for a wedding, eh?

Wear your coats!!!

panic is never becoming...

2009-11-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Deuteronomy (or more appropriately, Fifth Moses) and sort of looking haughtily down my nose at those Israelites. They were so ridiculously forgetful. And with Moses saying like every other verse, "Only be careful...remember. Remember...be careful...the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt.... Remember. Do not forget....Remember!" It's almost comical how much he says it.

And it's almost comical how much they...oops...we forget. We are currently in full-wedding-planning-swing. About once a week I get to a point where I'm like, "This is impossible! It will never happen! How will this work??!" Logically, I have no idea how it can be as stressful as it feels. Right now we're in the midst of trying to find a building in Canby for our ceremony and reception that is:

big enough
pretty
affordable

Seems reasonable. Somehow, after a number of visits, meetings and applications it has yet remained elusive. Last night I was once again, a little puddle of frazzle. This morning, opening back up to Deuteronomy, I was reminded of God's provision.

Oh, uh, how did I forget?

If God could provide salvation for the Israelites and (I know this is hardly comprable) if he could provide me with David ex nihilo, how likely would it be for him to leave us high and dry now?

speaking of gifts...

2009-10-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday David took me out to the barn where we met, sang some of our songs, gave me a beautiful ring and asked me if I would be his wife! I yelled, YES!!!!!!!!

So on February 6th, we will become David & Anna Burnham.

free gifts

2009-10-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

I 100% love presents. Getting them and giving them. I just love presents. At English camp a few years ago, we talked about the "free gift" that God offers to us--life in Jesus. Since then little gifts remind me of The Gift.

Good gifts are just good. They fit, you know. And they are free. The sweetest thing about a gift is that it is--given. Just plain given.
Recently, Wes & Verna Birch, a couple in our church, found out that David was scurrying, scrimping and saving money to buy a camera. They'd lost one, bought a new one, found the old one and so decided to give it to us! It's so fun to be able to photograph the beautiful, little things of life again.

still a lazy summer

2009-08-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been wracking my brain to come up with something newsy or inspiring or provocative or even just plain-old-interesting for a blog post, but honestly, there's not a lot going on around here. It's a slow and lazy and restful summer. Some days are hot, some are colder. I open the curtains, water the garden, talk with the neighbors, do fun stuff with David, read books, visit and be visited by friends, grocery shop, tweedle around with projects--budgeting, making granola, painting furniture. I read Leviticus, do errands, talk on the phone, cook, eat, sleep. Really, nothing fascinating to write about.

In 15 days school will be starting, and I'll begin substitute teaching as soon as teachers start getting sick. Maybe I'll have something to write about then--although I probably shouldn't write about that stuff on this public place! I've got a discipline book that I'm trying to get through right now, Teaching with Love and Logic. I've also been thinking about seeing if I could be a barista at a teeny-tiny coffee shop they're building next door or teaching writing to freshmen at a local Christian college. Just on the side, you know. We're also poking around the idea of working with middle school kids from church. That'll actually start pretty soon, I think. Monday or Tuesday nights.

So, as a matter of fact, there is a whole stinkin' lot on the horizon. Fun, new, scare-me-totally-to-death stuff. But for now, for the next two weeks or so, it's just time to soak up the quiet. I'd better be learning how to pray right this minute.

a bountiful garden

2009-08-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

My garden has gone from a flowerbed overgrown with weeds,
to an empty lot of stinky manure,

to a patch of little sprouts,

to a bountiful abundance of flowers and vegetables.

Every day is a new exciting treat. Today the first sunflower opened!

Unfortunately, my camera is currently hiding, so these pictures (from David's phone) will have to do. Too bad the prettiest picture is so small; there's just too much detail for the phone's memory to handle!

summer summer summer summer, part 2

2009-06-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, along with those, I'm also reading Twilight. Everyone's reading it, right? I guess I've been suckered in; yesterday I read for quite a few hours. It's fine. Goes quick. Like a movie. I guess I don't have any real strong feelings about it....well... Actually, one thing that makes me squirm is the script that it's giving so many girls for falling in love. I feel like it says, "This is what it is to fall in love." It feels like this way, looks this way, is this way. It's always and only and completely consuming. (As though a boy-crazy jr high girl needs to have that re-enforced!) And in Twilight it's totally physical, instinctual. Like there's no brain or choosing involved. Love just IS. I don't know, what do you think? I know some of you have read it :) With that critique though, I should add, I think Stephanie Meyer is a charming writer. I like the way the words and pictures are woven.

Just watched Tears of the Sun. Still thinking about genocide, ethnic cleansing and all that. Heavy. Good movie.

Also, the old, all-time favorite, While You Were Sleeping. Still love Sandra Bullock. David chose Tears of the Sun, I chose this one :) Did you know they don't have this at Blockbuster anymore? I guess I'm getting old! Who doesn't enjoy a dose of happily-ever-after on occasion?

What else? Oh! I've been slowly making my way through Walking with God by John Eldredge. It's pretty much his personal reflections on what it means to walk with God over the course of a year. Over the past five years I've been regularly challenged by the way he's written about what it means to walk with God. I feel like he's put into words and given theological reasons for things that I've experienced. I'm not a hook-line-and-sinker follower, but the concepts stir me up enough to make me hold onto Jesus tighter. What more could an author want, huh?

No picture for this one, but we've been studying Ruth with church. What a fantastic story! Over the past few months, I've been reminded what an incredible story of hope and promise this is. Speaking of happily-ever-after endings! This one has it, from bitterness to restoration.

summer summer summer summer

2009-06-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am SO happy it's summer. As a student, I had NO idea just how thrilling the first day of summer could be. NO idea. As much as school was hard this year, I've gotta say, the joy of being out of school has almost made it worth it. Almost.

Yesterday I spent like five hours sprawled on the floor under the front window reading library books. Delicious. Books that were for no particular purpose except enjoyment. Wow. And here they are:

Cuts of beef and exotic appetizers. Who knew those Spaniards had such fun cook books?

Yep. Still a teacher. I feel like I just scratched the surface of a whole world of fantastic kid literature. I loved learning about US history this year, and I was most emotionally impacted by the historical fiction kid novels that I read. A personal favorite? Day of Tears by Julius Lester, about the largest slave auction held in America.

Oops! Battery's almost dead. More later.

yeah for meat!

2009-05-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

There's this restaurant in Portland--Two Brothers Cafe--that makes me feel like I'm back in Slovenia (or maybe a little south of there).

David got pleskavica. And though he stumbled over that name, he was pretty excited to have a hamburger that was as big as his head!

And I had čevapčiči. YUM YUM YUM! (And fyi, Christina, the meal was brez Union, brez Laško. Samo sva pila vodo. And boy do I like water!)

stressed, uncertain and fun--three words about me

2009-04-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 1.5 months since I last posted. Just a quick one today from school. I'm working hard, teaching English & Social Studies. That's stressful. I feel like my whole life revolves around the Industrial Revolution right now. (Did you know that cotton gin is short for cotton "engine"? Fascinating fact, huh?!) I roasted a chicken last night and went to a little knitting club--it was a three hour break from anything work related. That's nice. I moved to Salem. That's new. I have a new apartment. Well, it's old, but to me it's new. I'm unpacking stuff that I haven't seen since I left George Fox six years ago. That's fun!

jack abram stepanian

2009-03-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

This blond, little boy was born yesterday! Now it's John, Sarah, Nina and Jack. Sarah's blog has more of the details. I love being an auntie!

compare/contrast

2009-02-27T18:18:00.000-08:00

Yes. I am now solidly an eighth grade teacher. (Embarassingly, I did have to spell check the word 'eighth.' Who qualified me to teach??!) Today I kept using words like compare/contrast, reading strategies, literacy standards. I'm weirded out at how normal it is for those words to flow out of my mouth.

So here goes with my compare/contrast. In class, I told the kids to journal. "Think reflectively! Ask yourself questions and the explore answers. Ok, write!!!" Amazingly, they scrunched down in their chairs, chewed their pencils and began to write! I started writing, too. As I wrote I realized that I swing back and forth so much. Like yesterday I wanted to quit everything because it just felt an overwhelming amount of pressure, but a month ago I was longing for some meaningful activity. Oh man. Wouldn't somewhere in the middle be lovely...? I wish. I wonder if it's possible. And I guess the bigger question is--would it really come about by a change in circumstance or will it come about as I learn to live in peace, rest and power?

Oh, man. Thoughts??

from when I lived in california

2009-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

lately

2009-02-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

I've been knitting a sweater for that baby Hakala. I've been hanging out with David. I've been looking for a job. I've been getting to know my new church. I've been living with the Willifords. I've been reading Matthew with Amanda and Katie. I've been bundling up and readjusting to Oregon life.

i like now better

2009-01-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

I'm doing little computer projects in a coffee shop in Newberg. Next to me there's a table of college boys slung over their chairs, philosophizing. "Isn't the truest form of literature to connect your own story to another story?" Hum.

It's making me think back and remember. I remember that I loved being in college. It was so fun and stimulating and interesting and deep. I felt so intelligent, like my thoughts were just fascinating and brilliant all of the time (except after a lame test or an argument, but I blamed those on lack of sleep or..., certainly not my own inadequacy). I drank a lot of coffee and sat around theorizing about the meaning of life and reading thick books with small print. Profound.

It's been a few years. I've learned that my thoughts are certainly not brilliant, fascinating and wonderful all the time....maybe not even most of the time. On occasion, I'll hatch a good one, but I can't promise to deliver it in an eloquent or poetic way like I used to. I've realized that it's a lot more enjoyable to live a little slower, a little more practical, a little more down to earth.

I guess maybe I'm growing up or something. I am almost thirty, so I guess it's about time. I like now better. That's nice. I wonder what I'll look back at in another ten years...

i live in oregon

2009-01-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got a library card at the Canby Public Library.

I know it's a big deal to pack up my car, drive fifteen hours, move all my stuff, put my mom on the airplane, unpack my pillows, go to a new church. I know that's a big deal. But somehow the library card feels different--like I really am here now.

oatmeal, blueberry, orange, coconut?

2008-12-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

It's a little strange, I admit. But yummy, too...

do you remember the Christmas parties from last year?

2008-12-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

My mom and I were pulling out nativity scenes and ornaments and I thought of last year. We had the annual junior high Christmas party at our apartment. Lots of thirteen to fifteen-year-olds, hot cider, cookies, silly games, the Christmas story, carols for the neighbors and a craft. Here are pictures of the nativity scene we made. (Who made which pieces? If you know, please tell!)
And then Christina and I hosted a party for all of the people that we would see in our daily routes--neighbors, the fruit guy, the coffee shop workers, the lady at the bread shop, etc. Awkward small talk (to be expected) and way-too-many cookies (to be expected), hot cider (what? no alcohol!? ...oops. guess i'm not slovene!), silly games, a reading of the Christmas story (but it was in slovene, so we assigned parts for them to read. strange since ...huh? Bible? wha-huh??) and the craft (for adults?? hum).

First off, it was clear that Christina and I are quite familiar with planning youth events, not as practiced at planning events for adults. Second, it was painfully obvious that we are not Slovene, but quite sincerely American. And third, even with all the quirky, irky, gawky moments of the evening...I think we all felt happy and Christmas-y and glad to be together. I sure won't forget that evening for a loooong time. Brad and Kindra were with us. I totally wish we had pictures, but I think that would only have increased the awkward feelings. However, some of the figures in the nativity scene were produced that evening. And hey, I gotta say:

Christmas isn't about being comfortable, safe and at home. Mary and Joseph left their home and traveled far that evening. Jesus left his Father, left comfort and came to make his family bigger, right? The shepherds left their mountainsides to worship the baby in a manger. The wise men left their lands to bring him gifts. So, I suppose a little awkwardness, a little uncomfortableness, a little vulnerablity is quite a fitting way to celebrate Christmas.

Glory to God in the highest! Peace on earth, good will to men on whom his favor rests.

staying cozy

2008-12-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

I recently finished the most complex project I've knit. It's amazing how many thoughts and prayers and wishes and worries and experiences went through my mind and heart as this yarn went through my fingers.

I crammed it in a flat-rate envelope and took it to the post office yesterday. Merry Christmas!

wisdom is besetting

2008-12-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

I found my first gray hair.

what about this?

2008-11-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm in.

life and what's been up

2008-11-24T11:56:00.000-08:00

Here are a few of the recent events and activities: I started substitute teaching in Santa Maria. I like junior high best, so I try to take mostly those jobs. I often come home utterly exhasted and bursting with funny/delightful/weirdo stories. I had to get new clothes since I didn't have many professional-ish clothes. So, last week a did some shopping. JC Penny's is going up in my book and Old Navy has been quite underwhelming. I've been in planning to move to Oregon (yipee!) and thinking about job, place to live, church, friends, etc for that transition. I think I'll go right after Christmas. I've been on the on the phone with David. I've been reading like it's going out of style, checking out copious numbers of library books. (And subsequently racking up copious amounts of fines...oops.) And visiting Grandma as much as possible. She's as dear as ever and I have been cherishing this season with her. I've been living with my parents in California, which means that I eat and sleep a lot more regularly than usual. Very nice. I like them a lot. I've been loving being back at Grace Bible Church for awhile. And working hard in a Bible study with some amazing women. What a treasure. I was taking a community art class for awhile, but haven't been able to be part of that lately because of mundanly significant things like jury duty and work. I've been re-learning how to live in America. Sometimes that gets me at strange times, like when the girl at the bank gets super chatty and friendly. I sort of looked at her out of the corner of my eye and grunted. I've been hanging out at Starbucks. And I've been trying to write on a regular basis. I've been knitting, knitting, knitting. Well, there you go! That's what's been going on around here.

"Doctor charged in death of donor"

2008-10-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

"A San Francisco transplant surgeon was criminally charged...with excessively prescribing drugs to a 25-year-old disabled man last year in order to hasten his death and harvest his organs sooner. The felony charges are believed to be the first in the nation against a physician for his role in a transplant." (LA Times, 2007.)

Because I was in Slovenia, I missed the media surrounding felony charges brought against Dr. Hootan Roozrokh. However, I just spent the last few weeks traveling back and forth to the court in San Luis, wondering if this my turn to do my noble civic duty. This afternoon the judge and attorneys selected the jury. I'm not one of them. I'm relieved and bummed about that. Since I'm no longer a canidate for the jury, I'm free to read as many articles about it as I want. Organ harvesting, euthanasia, DNR orders, morphine usage, end of life care, defining life--all these issues come to mind. I'm personally moved by the case since my mom is an organ donor and since my dear grandma is very, very old. This a heavy ethical issue.

Praying that the attorneys are clear and truthful. That the judge and jury think clearly and uphold justice.

celebrating October 27th!

2008-10-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

Nina Joy just turned one! Here is a picture from last year...

She's grown so much in one year. She's definitely not a tiny baby anymore. Now she's running around and I can see her personality more every time I visit. This video is from a few days ago...

She's a curious, loud, happy little Stepanian. Pretty soon she'll be a big sister! Sarah's blog has more.

two Brits, one real

2008-10-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought I saw Harry Potter at Allan Hancock College. I didn't know why he would be there. But--good grief--that kid looked like him.

Naturally, I called Christina. She loves Harry Potter. (It may appear as though I love him...he has been in THREE of my posts. But I've only ever mentioned him in relation to Christina. I just want to be clear about that.)

I told Christina. In reply, she said she'd seen the Queen. "What queen?" I asked.

"The Queen. The Queen of England."

That's interesting.

the everyday

2008-10-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

This is an essay that I wrote at the beginning of the summer--back when I knew that I was leaving Slovenia, but didn't know when I'd be leaving. It's long and it's true and it's how I really feel. I am rich. If you do take the time to read it (I know it's loooong), I would love to know your thoughts.

---------

I’ve lived in a foreign country, in a strange city, in a far away apartment. Ljubljana, Slovenija. Can you even say that? Yep. Neither can I. My tongue still can’t quite roll out that l-j sound.

In Slovene, the word for ‘foreigner’ is tujec. Translated literally, that means stranger…yes. The day that changed my life has been the everyday of the last four years. I’ve been a stranger for nearly four years. That’ll do something to a person, there’s no question about it. It’s one long day. Since I’m still here and haven’t quite woken up, I don’t know if I can quantify the experience yet. But I’m about to leave and I’m ready to do some reflecting.

I remember the confusion early on. As soon as my curtains were hung and I found the milk in the market, the honeymoon was over. What is a železniška postaja? How come I can’t figure out how to close these windows? Why is this woman lecturing me for my flip-flops? My wet hair? My bad grammar? My ice cream choice? Did I do something wrong? Always.

___
what a strange
solitary morning
snow shifting sound
lonely feathers drift drift
into white coverlets
that are completely foreign

I don’t understand how
everyone around me
understands

dumb. (12Dec4)
___
I think symbolically
about every solitary thing
like a clear blue hour
after days of fog
and a pane of glass
separating foreign me
from them
like grace fully crashing down
from a worshipful rest
or missing dinner last Tuesday
more than five Thanksgivings
ordinary bread and oil
and wine
and water
sacred minutes. (20Dec4)
___

I remember huddling on my bed. Sitting too tall, turning my neck and wedging my head against the sloped roof. A view of the castle didn’t quite comfort me when the water was freezing. Or when Christina’s hair was in the kitchen sink. It didn’t quite comfort me when I broke my ankle on the uneven stairs. Or when the neighbors cut off our power because of a feud with the landlord. Especially when the freezer defrosted, the hall flooded and the meat stunk. That was lame. It didn’t comfort me when my brother got engaged to a girl I hardly knew. It didn’t comfort me when I heard that my grandma was sick. I was too far away.

During lonely seasons, I took lengthy walks, wrote slow poems and fought with my roommate. If we didn’t fight, I was thinking mean thoughts about Christina. Fighting in my head.

You think I’d be glad to get out of here. But it’s a melancholy feeling that I have when I brush through the city. Because, while a stunning view of the castle didn’t help me when my brother and his wife had their beautiful, little Nina Joy, getting that text message as I waited to pay a speeding ticket at the Slovak border was incredibly rich.

Because, while sledding in the Alps wasn’t enough when my grandma went on hospice, hearing prayers in Slovene was a greater treasure than I could ever have asked for. I know they weren’t praying for my benefit. Heck, I could hardly understand ‘em. I knew they were praying for her. Because I love her. And they love me. All I wanted was to be with family; and I was. They are my family.

Because, while I still get mad at people for elbowing in front of me at the post office, I can’t believe that I have a friend who would figure out how to ask our other friends to scrounge money to buy a ticket for a guy-that-I’m-not-quite-yet-dating to come visit. Who has friends like that? She just wants to meet him. She wants him to see our everyday. And secretly, I think she wants to convert him to Ljubljana life.

In the absence of home, I gained home. With the removal of security, I earned a deeper trust. At the cost of familiarity, I grew a sense of presence. I grew this love for life (not just mine) and an ability to—like good old Thoreau said, “live deliberately…live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” To tell the truth, I’m not a big fan of marrow. I’ll gnaw on a bone every now and then (particularly when I’m eating with a waste-conscious Slovene), but I see it.

I see life now. I see it in clearer, more poignant ways. I see that money isn’t most important, and that before too long I get sickened by consumption. I don’t want to get on the train towards a better apartment, a hotter guy, a nicer car or even that green, fitted corduroy jacket. I would rather walk to get groceries, listen to the birds, wonder about the eggplant on the pizza and those drunk boys outside.

I want to see. I see that giving brings greater joy than…almost anything. And I see that even more influential and beautiful than giving, may be (just maybe!) the ability to receive well. To receive with grace and trust. I see that family is commitment; that love is commitment. That a friendship is loyal, it can’t appear/disappear depending on my mood. I see that means I can’t sit around thinking mean thoughts about Christina.

Christina is my friend not because it’s easy, not because we both like The Office, not because she’ll clean out the drain. She’s my friend because we’ve fought about stuff and forgiven each other. She’s my friend because we know each other and we make sure to like each other. She’s my friend because she gave me a big hug before she left for vacation and then handed me her phone bill to pay while she’s gone. She’s my friend because we decided to be friends. We’ve laughed together and we’ve cried together. We just are.

I see that, more than anything, I don’t want to be foreign anymore. And, actually, when I take a deep breath, I believe that I’m not foreign anymore. But sometimes the best way to show up is to be in the wilderness—think Rosa Parks, Jesus, Odysseus or Harry Potter. They came by going. The best way to not be foreign is first to be foreign.

I’ve lived in a foreign country, a strange city, in a far away apartment. But now it is a beautiful country, a familiar city and an apartment that is home. In English, the name Ljubljana is close to our word ‘Beloved’…yes. For four years, I’ve been loved in this city; today I’ve been loved by this city. I’ve learned living and love here. Far away, but more present than I’ve ever been. Present with my God, present with my family, present with myself. I am rich.

pogrešam te (I meant te in množina...but how do you say that again?)

2008-09-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

These are some of my best friends in the whole wide world, some people who are real family to me. I spent a few hours missing them today. And they're not the only ones I've been missing.

faced steadily

2008-09-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself into their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or--I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God ... Keep paying the price.

(Oswald Chambers)

to remember

2008-09-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of last spring, I went to the lake and sat for awhile. In the midst of life, it's easy to lose track and keep moving and go, go, go and then suddenly realize that I've forgotten core, key, lovely, true things. I guess this is a time like that for me. I'm not busy. I'm not bored. I'm not home. But I am home. Huh? I'm in between. In between what?
...uhhh...well...
we'll see...
So, for today, these are some things I'm remembering.

(If you click on the picture, it'll get bigger and you can actually read it.)

i'm in america

2008-07-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

strange. wow. hummm...

i sort of want to post some pictures or say something profound about the experience of moving from one continent to another, but ...

nope.

i dropped my camera in a lake yesterday, so no photos. and i don't really have deep thoughts at this point. maybe next time.

hi :)

today is the 19th

2008-07-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

i'll leave slovenia in six days. i feel a little disconnected, half like a plastic version of me walking through the days. i wish i wasn't like this, but i sort of feel like i'm watching myself say goodbye. it all feels a little surreal. how do you say goodbye? how do you leave a home? will i be back? what can i dream of?
i've been writing. i've been eating ice cream at the park. i've been listening to music. i've been drinking coffee with dear friends. a lot. i've been looking at photographs and making presents. i've been wishing i could cry. i've been buying plane tickets. i've been taking old clothes to the red cross and buying wine glasses to replace the ones broken. i've been staying awake at night. i've been wishing the days were longer and the time was shorter. this is getting harder all the time.

camp report

2008-07-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

Well, camp was great. That's the short answer :)

Before I left, I wrote posts to automatically appear each day while we were at Bled. When I looked back at what I'd written, I was thrilled to see how God was answering those specific requests at those times! Teaching an English class was a highlight for me. I was with a really cute group of girls.

A few nights ago we had a camp reunion party at the Jackson's house. All the kids from camp (except for three who had left for family vacation) showed up! We played Viking, did the camp dance, played 4-square and passed out awards. So much fun! They are a most peculiar, varied, energetic, sweet group of 13-year-olds.

day 1

2008-07-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be human? We're all unique. We all desire success and love. We experience failure, but search for perfection. And we want to belong.

That is our theme for the week. We'll meet with 22 junior highers at Kongresni Trg and leave for Lake Bled at 11:00.

Pray for a good start to the relationships that will be built this week.

Here we go!!!

a man on stilts was walking down my street today.

2008-06-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

That was strange. Kinda creepy, actually. I wanted to take a picture, but I got the yeeks and started walking really fast. What in the world was he doing??

This was also a little surprising. We were advertising for camps in Mateja's village. When we got done some kids invited us outside for a little party. Accordian and polka in Kamnik! Yipee!! Click here to see David & Katka's blog for more of the story.

Camp teams come tomorrow!!

a shorter version of Slovenia Note #45

2008-06-22T02:31:00.000-07:00

The vision of Josiah Venture is to see a movement of God among young leaders in Eastern Europe that finds its home in the church and transforms society. Four years ago, I was invited to move to Slovenia because there was not an evangelistic community of young people. The apologeticist Ravi Zacharias has talked about the greatest evangel of the 21st century being a worshiping community. Over the past four years, we’ve experienced that here in Slovenia. For my friend Mateja, one of the most convincing influences was seeing Christians love one another at an English camp.

Our worshiping community has seen an increasing number of new births! As these new believers grow, our group is maturing, developing and beginning to reproduce. These Slovene brothers and sisters are wonderful—and naturally fit for this ministry! :) They understand culture and language and relationships so much better than I ever could over here! And they are obviously gifted by God. It is so fun to watch them!

And so, once again, it has become a time for transition. After a lot of thought, prayer and conversations, I’ve decided that it is time for me to leave the ministry in Slovenia. I don’t have a specific place that I plan to go or a specific task that I’m stepping into. But greater than any of that, I feel a sense of God’s peace as I walk forward into an unknown future.

I plan to stay in Slovenia through English camps and fly back to Portland on July 25th. After that, I really don't know what to expect. That's exciting and scary! Quite an adventure! :)

Here goes!!!

welcome to the world!!!

2008-06-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

Yipeeee!!!

Dustin and Natalie have a new baby girl!

Look how happy Skylar is!!

And TA-DAAA!!! This is Kaia Grace Hibbard!

Click this to see more pictures and details on their website.

wow.

2008-06-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that everyone should have a good chicken story.

Just to give a little context before I tell what happened:
This is our living room. It's nice, normal, cute and not a farm house. I live in an apartment. Downtown. There aren't chickens in downtown Ljubljana.Živa and I were deep in conversation. We started hearing chicken noises. (Bawking, bocking, bwaking... How do you spell that?!?) We have unpredictable neighbors. So, I predicted that there was just a little more alcohol and a little more craziness than usual. The people were loud. I shut the window. We kept talking.

And then, there was flapping, clucking and a chicken outside of my window! Yikes!!!!
I didn't believe that there was an actual chicken in our building until I saw that animal. But that rooster was very real. The only way the neighbor boy could get his chicken was to climb through our window, out onto the roof, snatch the chicken, jump back in through the window onto the couch. Then he shoved the rooster in my face to scare me. Oh my...

The next morning, I woke up to a good, early crow. Haven't heard that in awhile. I felt right at home. The rooster lived on their balcony for a few days.

Then I ran into my neighbor in the hall. He said his dad had butchered it. It was tasty.

Wow.

summer's here!

2008-06-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Živa, Naja, Christina and I went to Piran for the day. We almost died on the way there when a car near us lost control. After we recovered from the scare, we had a great time--resting, laughing, eating, playing and taking funny pictures.