17 June 2012

due date

07 June 2012

on the edge

David has an anatomy and physiology professor that was talking about that--how we're really all on the edge. What a tenuous bundle of precision is required for the sustenance of human life. Blood and vessels, hormones, nerves, electrical impulses, organs and fluids, constantly pumping and valving. It's all a completely foreign language to me and yet more parts that I have even begun to have names for are at work to keep me living, breathing, thinking.

This morning as we prayed I imagined it. The edge--a scary place to be. Gives me the yeeks and I don't like it one bit. I don't want to be here. I want to be certain that things will be okay. Especially big things. I want to know the way and plan what we'll have for dinner tomorrow and what we'll name the baby.

But there is only one guarantee. Jesus says I am the way, the truth and the life. So, if Jesus is the way...oh, do I ever need him. The calendar, our balanced budget, meals in the freezer, my checked list, dear friends, a thriving church, routine, a good report from the doctor, vaccinations--none of those good things provides any actual security. Really.

And yet, the glorious mystery of it all is this: if/when I am aware and trusting Jesus as I live on the edge, I can dance. I can twirl a crazy twirl and do one of those exuberant ballet leaps with my knees all poking out in the wrong directions--right on the very edge and without fear. It won't matter if I mis-step. It doesn't matter one bit because I will be caught in the grace. Caught by Christ.

I would rather have that. Rather live joyfully twirling, even when my vision is blurred by tears--right on the very, very edge of life--than hanging from weeds and dirt clods by my fingernails, trying not to numb myself to the drop looming below. So today I fight to be here. I fight to twirl and trust on this very edge.

04 June 2012

a clear heart

As in water face reflects face,
so the heart of man reflects the man.  
Prov 27:19

When I used to spend a lot of time asking, Who am I? this verse may or may not have been a comfort...but it would have been an answer. And now I wonder, too. What is my heart clearly reverberating about the person that I am becoming?

Look at your heart, Anna. Ask the Lord to examine your heart. What is there? What emotions, beliefs, orientations, paradigms, words, decisions, reactions spring forth? As I ponder this today, these pointed slivers of truth come to mind:

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  
Mat 12:34

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.  
Prov 4:23

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. 
And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  
Ez 36:26

Daily choosing to turn myself in the direction of pure love for the Lord my God, vigilantly keeping this tender, newly given heart, diligently seeking his ways and overflowing with his creativity, grace and devotion--these are the patterns in which I want my heart to grow, this is who I want to be.

A steadfast, powerful, beautiful heart is the reflection that I want to shine clear. So, as the verse rings in my mind--the heart of man reflects the man--O Lord. Yikes. What a mess...

And then I'm caught by a phrase earlier in the Ezekiel passage.
It's not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord, 
but for the sake of my holy name.
And I re-read: 
I will give you... 
I will put within you... 
I will remove... 
I will give you.
O Lord, today may this heart shine beautiful, clear and open...
that I might not be seen.