27 May 2010

a confession

A few weeks ago David and I were passing Nurture Shock by Po Bronson back and forth. In it, Bronson gives some staggering statistics on kids and lying. I read it and I was just depressed wondering how much of what I hear from kids at school is lie. (Did I mention I've been teaching middle school math?) According to the research kids lie a lot and usually (rather than to avoid punishment) it is in order to please the adults in their life. It sparked great conversation between the two of us about lying, truth and honesty. I didn't really feel like lying is a thing for me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually flat out lied.

And then... today, I was walking out to the car. David and I had roped off an area of the lawn for our garden awhile back, but then he got a job and we'll be moving and so we've been uncertain and haven't moved forward with the digging and the lawn has grown a bit out of control and it's ugly and seedlingless and ahhhrgh... Behind the house we have a few beautiful, little seedlings. David is super diligent about tucking them into the garage at night and bringing them out into sunlight during the day. When it was raining really hard he even figured out how they could get light in the garage. At any rate, he has been the major work force behind all garden endeavors this year.

Walking to the car, I ran into some neighbors. They asked if we'd planted yet. Basically, over the course of our three minute conversation, I lied about the garden because I didn't want to tell them we were moving and because I didn't want to appear lazy. I made it sound like I've been twiddling my thumbs waiting for David and we just got busy and we're not sure how we're going to do it and ... whatever--I LIED to them! I think I feel most awful about insinuating that it is David's fault.

You know, it was one of those situations where there was very little actual factual untruth, but I was certainly and purposefully and self-protectively misleading. As I drove off, the Holy Spirit poked me somewhere out on the far edges of my heart, but thankfully I took note <<That's lie.>>


Yuck. I apologized and turned back to Jesus--the light of the world. I'll talk with David as soon as I can. It's a painfully good reminder that I must be active in my pursuit of truth and light. Always. I need Jesus. I need truth deeply. Deep truth deeply. Jesus is that.

It also makes me wonder: I thought lying wasn't a thing for me, but by the faintness and real-ness of the Spirit's poke--how often have I done this exact same thing? And how much do I have to learn about truth?

I want truth and light in my deepest parts.

1 comment:

Liz said...

I've been there, dear daughter, dear sister. We just always need Jesus, that's all there is to it.