a half year later

Well, I wrote this six months ago and I’ve failed. My bold statements ring in the back of my mind when I spend too long on facebook; when I walk away from a significant and uncomfortable conversation; when I actually prefer to wear the same four, neutral colored shirts every day; when I am groggy and irritated because I stayed up too late; when I realize how distant I am from ‘gospel fluency;’ when I am controlling because I am needy, but don’t want to admit it; when Sophia is crying, but I just don’t want to play with her yet so I let her cry too long; when I wear worry or fear for the future; when I give a distracted or awkward hug or dart down the aisle so I don’t have to make eye contact or talk right now; when I put off writing thank you notes; when I procrastinate on my to-do list and making those phone calls again; when we eat Papa Murphy’s again; when I intend to meet with my friend but put it off again; when I realize that I haven’t prayed again; when criticism reigns in my spirit or gloom and laziness are the rule.

So, I guess I want to say this, I am 35 ½ today and I am not awesome.

But I unfold to realize that that’s the point—or a least part of the point. I am not awesome;

God is awesome.

If I was awesome, it wouldn’t matter how awesome God was. But as is the case, I am lame, fickle, self-consumed, fearful, spiteful, half-hearted and in desperate need of Him. Again. I need him in the early morning, to show me his word and re-form my mind, lead my heart. I need his patience and joy while I care for my girl. I need the freedom and courage he brings in order to work heartily. I need his direction for the future—for money, for friendships, for ...everything. I need his passion as I step out my door. And as I come back in the door. I need him to teach me how to pray. Again. I need to remember how he has been present as I live in the sorrow. I need to remember the wonders he has done. Shoot, I can’t laugh at the days to come unless he sparks that in me. I need his sight if I am to hope or love or believe. I need to remember that there was one sacrifice for sins and that sacrifice has been paid. Once. Not again, but just once. And it’s finished. I need to remember grace and forgiveness. And that these are true things. Independent of me.

I am lame. But he says to my soul, “Walk. Get up and walk, girl!” He says, “In repentance and rest shall be your salvation; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.” And he says, “My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in weakness.” So, today I lean back. I smile slow and say, “Okay!” And I’m off to shower and sing. And stumble and live. Again.

Because He is awesome.